A Life Altering Reading
by MeraLee
Summary: An In-Joke fic that will only make sense to one other person. May cause blindness. Rated for graphic parenthetical abuse and random acts of silliness.
1. Prologue

A Life Altering Reading

The Prologue (Or "An Apology")

It all started innocently enough.

Almost nine years ago I met Jon and we started to work on our Epic. It now looks almost nothing like what we started with (be thankful for that) and is of interest to only a handful of people. And the Penguins, but that's another story. (Fear the Penguin Mafia!)

Our story (or rather Story, which is not the same as this story) usually begins with some enigmatic allusion to one Monsieur Erik von Riese. He's Welsh, can you tell? (don't blame me, he's Jon's doing).

Monsieur von Riese was born in Wales in the late 1100's. He is often described as "breathtakingly handsome". (But not by me.) He has brown shoulder length hair and "soft" brown eyes. (For all intents and purposes, he is played by Dan Stevens. Who has blue eyes. But that's beside the point.)

Shortly after being knighted (what else are breathtakingly handsome men going to do in the 1100's?), Erik meets His One True Love (TM). They marry, then he is killed shortly after (Naturally. This is An Epic, after all). True love never dies, blah blah blah, Hello, Vampire! (There's a musical just asking to be written.)

So now, we have an angst ridden, breathtakingly handsome immortal hero trying to make ammends for past evil deeds. Who is British. With brown hair.

(Yes, we really did write all this years before RTD and TenRose. No, I don't expect you to believe that, Your Honor. )

Then there's Hope.

Hope Elisabeth Whitten is another immortal (convenient, no?) who befriends Monsieur von Riese. She has her own long and overly complex backstory (which has since merged into another character's back story, incorporating dimensional portals, time vortexes and a wide assortment of other cliches. This one is all my fault) Hope is not an Elf. I never thought about making her an Elf. Not once. (Okay, maybe twice,)

About two hundred years later (at least in this week's version of the time line), Hope and Erik meet Claude M. (I can never remember how to spell his last name). Claude is delightful. Claude is a Vampire. Claude is French (so he has a British accent, naturally) and is ever so slightly (yeah, right!) addicted to brandy. (Claude also belongs to Val, thus explaining his brilliance).

So now we have a happy little Trio of Goodness and Angst. (TM) With the occasional night at the Opera thrown in.

(And yes, I realize that you can't have a paragraph with only two sentances. That's why we call this Creative Writing.)

Now it's time to introduce our very own Tragic Beautiful Blond Mortal Heroine (TBBMH)(TM) - Marie St. Just. (No relation to Armand or Marguerite.) Yes, we have a Blond girl in love with a Vampire. No, we were not aware of Buffy and Angel at the time. (Honestly, Your Honor.)

Marie and Erik fall in love (we're not entirely sure why) which dooms her to die in his arms. (Though, being An Epic, there are lots of delightful loopholes to exploit to bring her back.)

What follows is a period affectionately referred to as Angst on a Log. (TM) Not much happens. For about 100 years. (Well, some stuff happens but Erik and Claude refuse to discuss it. Or what they were doing with the feather boas. Some mysteries are better left unsolved.)

Eventually, this will all have a happy (but not too happy) ending. (Of sorts.)

So there you have it, along with my sincere apologies to anyone who made it this far. I only did it because Jon, upon hearing that I planned to start writing again, quipped that he was in for a life altering reading.

Indeed.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - When Worlds Collide

A/N: The Surgeon General strongly reccomends against anyone other than Jon reading this. Failure to heed this warning may result in blindness and an incurable fondness for RyanDan. You have been warned.

Also, I don't own The Doctor (BBC and RTD) or Erik von Riese (Jon). And I did warn you.

The Doctor was alone. Again.  
He actually didn't mind so much, as he now had closet space again and could wander through the Tardis singng "Tears of an Angel" at the top of his lungs. Plus, all the angst upped his hotness factor by a good fifty points. So really, it was a pretty good arrangement.

The Doctor was on the second stanza when he happened to look up. Facing him was a breathtakingly handsome man with shoulder length brown hair and soft brown eyes.  
_Odd,_ thought The Doctor, _I don't usually describe men as "breathtaking"._

He swallowed the odd lump in his throat and adressed the Stranger. (For anyone that good looking had to have some Capitalization)  
"Sorry, not to be rude or anything, but how exactly did you get in here?"

The Stranger smiled. It was a killer smile; very warm and kind, yet tinged with unspeakable sadness.  
"I would imagine the same way all original characters wind up in the TARDIS."

The Doctor nodded knowingly.  
"Ah, yes. The Infamous Bad Author Vortex. It's been happening a lot around here lately"  
_What a wonderful smile,_ he thought to himself. _I wonder if mine looks that good.  
_"I'm The -"

"The Doctor" the stranger replied, somewhat breathlessly. _Oh no..._ he thought. ("Oh yes", quoth the eville author)  
"I'm a bit of a fan, actually. My name is Erik. Erik von Riese."

The Doctor smiled his now galactically patented giga-watt smile(TM).  
"Welsh, then?"

"Naturally"  
_She is going to pay for this,_ Erik swore to himself. _Still, he is rather cute..._

The Doctor started fidgiting with various controls.  
"So... Any ideas why your author thought we should meet?"

Erik just barely resisted the urge to massage his temples.  
"Probably because we're both Gorgeous Tortured Immortals with British Accents Atoning For Past Evils."

The Doctor winced slightly.  
"There are rules in the Shadow Proclimation about abusing capitalization like that. So, you're an Immortal?"

Erik sighed and nodded.  
"Vampire. Complete with my own TBBMH(TM)  
He bowed his head for a moment, the pain was too much to...

("Stick to the script! This is comedy,")

"Could have fooled me" Erik muttered under his breath.

The Doctor was genuinely impressed now.  
"I had a Tragic Beautiful Blond Mortal Heroine, too! I SPOILERS!"

The Doctor rubbed the back of his neck(TM) and looked puzzled.  
"Sorry, what I meant to say was SPOILERS!"

Erik shook his head sadly (of course) and cast an apathetic glare heavenwards.  
"Sorry, my author has been doing that a lot lately. Though that was the first time I've heard some one pronounce the asterisks."

The Doctor smiled.  
"It has to do with the tongue."

_Please,_ Erik prayed to any one listening,_ let it stop there._

The Doctor cleared his throat.  
" l don't suppose you'd like a tour, would you?"

Erik's face was a mask of panic.  
"Ohireallymustbegoingsomuchtodo-"

"I have a library filled with old manuscripts"  
The Doctor could see the pure bliss spread across Erik's lovely features. He knew he had won.

Erik tried to contain his excitement.  
"Really old?"

The Doctor nodded and grinned.  
"Yep" he said, popping the last syllable.  
"With dust."

Erik looked ready to burst.  
"Well, I suppose a few hours wouldn't hurt..."

He followed the Doctor into the hidden depths of The Tardis.

"And remember, Erik. What happens in the TARDIS, stays in the TARDIS."

To be continued? Oh, we certainly hope not...


End file.
